


Quitter

by Mary_the_gardener



Series: Advent songfics challenge 2019 [10]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Love, M/M, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Sacrifices, Songfic, Unconditional Love, broken relationship, kinda positive ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21756379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_the_gardener/pseuds/Mary_the_gardener
Summary: It's not like I don't remember why I left in the first place, but sometimes all those reasons fade in the past and I can only see his face.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Sergei Voronov
Series: Advent songfics challenge 2019 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558414
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	Quitter

**Author's Note:**

> Here, have some sergier feels!!  
>    
> Inspired to: Quitter - Spinfire
> 
> Edit: Due to copyright restrictions, all the [lyrics ](https://genius.com/Spinfire-quitter-lyrics) in the work have been replaced by an **x**.

**x**

It's not like I don't remember why I left in the first place: some nights, a few times a year, I still wake up covered in cold sweat, lingering images of nightmares still clinging to my clouded mind. His cold disappointed glares, his back turned to me while he lavished his attention on someone else, the scorn in his voice each time he told me how much of a failure I was.

I was young and weak and lost, away from my people; it wasn't hard for him to make me crumble, to take away that little hope he gave me. To make me give up (again).

It all made me become so disheartened, so hopeless, so broken; depression haunting my nights and misery my days, in cities where I didn't belong, where no one cared. There was only one person, with his caring eyes. And I decided it was not enough.

  
But sometimes all those reasons fade in the past and I can only see his face, his wide smile and bright blue eyes. It's so easy, to just close my eyes and picture one of those moments, he laying next to me, happiness written on both our faces as we smiled at each other and saw nothing else. It was incredibly easy, to just get lost like that, just the two of us. It was real.

How do I live knowing this? How do I sleep knowing that I left you - us - there? How do I keep going every day when all I see every time I close my eyes is your smile?

**x**

  
**x**

I can see it in your eyes, those rare times our lives overlap again, that shadow of regret. You try to laugh it off, like you always did with all your sorrows, but I know you, I know my loved ones, and I can see you. I can feel the clogs in your head turning, propelled by remorse, trying to mend us back together. And I just want to step up and block it all from turning, move a couple of gears, and push you forward.

Cause I can see how happier you are now, how good you're going to be. And the sliver of sorrow I find in your eyes when they meet with mine, I know it's holding you back. That's why I wish it gone, along with the love I can still read in there. I will close mines, so you won't see. All the love for you that I will never toss away.

  
**x**

I had thought it was not enough, to have him holding my pieces together in there. But, sometimes, out here, it seems even harder. When I know he's so far away, when I know I'm not the one that will make him smile anymore.

But I am here now, a full ocean and half a continent away, and somehow I know that he doesn't want me back. Even if a part of me wants to be back. Just back in his arms.

I will bury this regret of mine, and smile and try to fly. Because I know he will be watching, and that's the only way I have to make him happy now.

**Author's Note:**

> If you got confused by the alternating POV here's how it goes: it starts with Javi, then changes to Sergei, then back to Javi.


End file.
